PLODDING ALONG

Well I am plodding along. Last week I sent out what felt like a gazillion resumes to firms that will probably never hire me, but at the moment I am trying to be positive [can you tell??]. Many thanks go to my mom who has been typing up envelopes and stuffing them for me. I know the real reason is she wants me gainfully employed so I will get my a$$ out of her house, but I am grateful anyway. I think it might be a latent fear of rejection, but I abhor sending out resumes. The resume itself is done and I have a superb [if I do say so myself] cover letter. Somehow, changing the address on the cover letter and actually printing and sending seems to be such a mental minefield for me. Now all I do is give my mom a printout of the firms where I want resumes sent and she does the rest. At the end of the day I get a pile of cover letters to sign. For some reason this makes things seem ten times easier. Don't ask me to explain it, I don't get it either.

Signing my name that many times in succession feels odd. It makes me think of that scene in Mommie Dearest where Faye Dunaway [as Joan Crawford] is autographing her headshots in the limo. I wonder if rock stars ever tire of signing their autograph? If I had an income like theirs I suspect I wouldn't bother complaining about it, but then again these are the same people that specify in their performance contracts which brand of water and what color M&Ms are in their dressing rooms.

I visited two old firms that I worked for and dropped of resumes because you never know who might know someone.... Tomorrow I start an office temp job. It's part time and I am trying to convince myself that's a good thing because, in theory, I can schedule interviews around working. [This would require people actually calling me for interviews, but you get the idea.] I'll try to ignore the lack of zeros on my paycheck for the time being. I'm slightly nervous about going in tomorrow. I don't expect that it will be difficult or that I'll have a problem I just don't like going into an unknown situation, especially when I don't have any goal in mind. If I were starting at a new firm I would be nervous but also happy, but this is just another hoop I have to jump through. Oddly, I also don't want to disappoint my new boss. I shouldn't really care I suppose, but I do. I cannot wait until my life becomes more stable.

I have more to say, on various topics, but for now I think sleep is in order.